Aquarius
Happy New Year to you dear Aquarius or maybe not we shall say. Because you will probably most likely be eaten by a carnivorous plant this month. Alternatively, someone you know and loves a lot will be eaten by your plant. So if you own a carnivorous plant, watch out. Even though you stand with no power in this case, so maybe you don't need to watch out so much anyway actually. Well if you don't own one, you will be the one who gets eaten . You might think, I don't know anyone with a carnivorous plant, hoho, loser horoscope, but lo! This might happen in the public space, wherever you may find yourself really. So you won't get the last laugh anyway. You can't possibly know where all the carnivorous plants in the world are situated. Uranus in an unfortunate plane to the Semen planet is the reason for this horrible affair. We just can't control these planets. They do as they please, like drunk people and kids.
Pisces
You take a walk and whilst you are walking something are falling out from your behind. It is a roebag. Yess, you think, offspring! You let out some milt on top of it and bang, you got fish babies in production. Lovely! But it is not the same as giving birth to human babies, dear Pisces, you have to understand this. They don't have feelings and it is also a little bit disgusting to pick up the row and the milt from the street and put it in an aquarium when there will be gravel and sand on it. But you can use disposable gloves. No matter what, it is nice to know that you can mate with yourself and reproduce in this way. Smiley, eh? You are like a human shrimp. Remember there will not be just one fish hatching, but a thousand. Make sure you have space enough and that your economy is good enough to give them the follow up that they need. They are just fish, all right, but they got blood and guts too, just like us. Are you insensible and cold you might sell this fish on the market as food. The planets let you decide for yourself this time.
Aries
Here comes the stork! It will bless you with three children and one or two grandchildren. You can simply look forward now, and before it arrives you can enjoy yourself trying to guess how old the grandchildren will be when they come and how large the children will be or you can knit or crochet national costume vests and stockings for them. But then it will of course be beneficial to know how large and old they will be. But you can be lucky. Lucky like a thief. We can hope you wake up when the stork gets there too. Boring if the children are completely newborn and are lying there crying for breastmilk wilst you are snoring and drooling over and in a low shoe. The senorita's shoe. Lost in the tango. All in all this will probably be fine, the planets tell us so, loud and clear. A happy time for you and yours.
Taurus
On January 22nd, the last star in the Orion's Crutch constellation will move into your fourth house. You wake up this day and have gotten a rapist apperance. Yes unfortunately. Sad smiley. Even crying smiley. Your eyebrows will grow together to a neanderthal look and you get unreliable and non trust-awakening facial features and a frowning glance. You put on a long coat and a retreating beard grows out on your face. People avoid you. You start using chat rooms instead of the real world. You stand behind street corners and lamp posts with a camera in one hand and a torch in the other. You are wearing fast running shoes and get nervous twitches in your face. You only got one facial expression. On December 22 2013, the constellation Orion's Bib will move into your fourth house but up until then you can only make the best of what the universe has dealt you. And that is a pervers man's look so use it for what it's worth!
Gemini
You have lost your ape, it has died, run away or it is finished. Now the Herring planet tells us that is it due time to buy a new one. Luckily you now got the planets on your side in your fourtieth house, which is the house for ape purchasing. Nothing can go wrong. It is crucial to make the right choice when it comes to ape purchase so it is good that the old one will go out of function right now. You will find the perfect one on your first and best attempt so you don't have to think about it or worry in any way, you can sit at home and squeeze salt dough hair through a garlic press or squeeze dried flowers flat or squeeze on others things and doughs. You will get a brand new ape into your house, large and heavy built and very possibly hairy , ready to help you with your daily chores. If you find the body of the old one you might as well cook it over the fireplace with a large fuzzy kiwi in its mouth. This will be one juicy feast of a meal!!!!!
Cancer
Where the mouth and nose are supposed to be in the face, a beak grows out. A long and heavy built beak with a poweful pecking ability. If this beek will be connected to a type of bird, the answer would probably be stork, European pied flycatcher or great snipe. Now you might say that all these birds are different, and besides they have different eggs AND beaks, but your beak is like a hybrid between these three. It is strong, as mentioned, and you can peck and "bite" someone very hard indeed if they will annoy you. And most people will nowadays. You are rash and unreasonable in your reactions and those who are unfortunate enough to annoy you (almost everyone you are in contact with, in other words) are suffering from this and your beak. As a frightening tactic you are just walking around clicking and pecking with your beak, up and down, in a threatening manner if someone comes too close. If someone is stupid enough to point out that you have a beak in your face instead of a nose and a mouth, this is what will make you angriest and you pinch and peck them until they bleed with your angry beak. Consider that your actions will have consequences in the future too, when the beak falls of and the nose and mouth grows back again!
Leo
A large and heavy mustache grows out over night. It is a sensation! You didn't think you had the base for this much facial hairgrowth since you are maybe not blessed with too much on the body hair front but now the planets have been at it again. The Crinkle planet is retrograding in your thirtyfourth house and that increases everything to do with protein growth in your body. Your nails will grow enormously in a short period of time too but it is mainly facial hair that is under focus. Now you can take the mick out of anyone who said you could never grow a really thick mustache! Now you can show them once and for all, when they are standing there with clothes that are exactly one size too small and driking coke through a straw and let some coke back into the glass again so the effective solution will be 57% coke and 43% drool in the end. You should stop hanging out with this type of friends by the way.
Virgo
You go for a walk on the 12th and on that trip you find a large egg. It is abnormally big. You think it is an ostrich's egg and think: mmmm delicious gnæmi juicy ostrich steak, and lie down to sit on and incubate on the egg. You sit and sit on the egg in a dedicated way and have to be away from work to incubate and you build a nest from twigs and brances and mud and your droppings plus feathers you pluck from your body. But what you don't know is that when the incubating period is over, a giant dinosaur comes out! Uh-oh! You did not expect this. What will you do with this then? It is not legal with dinosaur breeding in the UK either. It might be mediocre cute when it is completely small and new and slimy but it is growing quickly and it is expencive to get hold of meat to such a Velociraptor, because that is what the offspring will be. So just walk past the egg, because if you hatch the egg, not even the planets will be able to help you.
Libra
You are lying on the beach (now in the winter, it's a bit weird but that is your call) and a man with reddish gray volumized hair lifts his leg up and farts on you. You become raging and want to involve the police and want to beat this man up because you think this was on purpose and that your skin will get damaged from the fart. Maybe these things are true but we are not in USA or something. Sometimes it is best to leave things alone. Can you afford a bigshot lawyer maybe? And think about this man's family. Maybe they are suffering and now they will suffer even more. The planets advice you to count to at least 28 before you explode and draw hasty decisions. 2011 is not the year for hasty decisions. Take a bath and light some candles and smell some potpurri and think about small, quiet mice and buddhist monks to get peace in your soul. Is it really worth starting a war because you feel deprived of your honour? Think about the world and not about yourself.
Scorpio
You are joining a lot now. This is a joining year for you. You are joining other people in the book club, you join people out and in of various political parties, not just the one you are voting for yourself but less propitious parties too, unfortunately, you join people into pyramid schemes and in sects and councils and organisations and daughter companies. Most of them you are not belonging to yourself so you really have to work hard to make the joining work but you are not in the lazy corner. Often you get nothing for all the joining but other times you get a table cloth set that is not particularly nice, in beige camel hair fabric, a fussy parasol with a picture of Ursula, the ocean witch from The Little Mermaid, an autobiography about Thomas Quick called "Thomas Quick - Not So Quick After All" , a bumbag shaped like a skin cell and with the same colour, a dozen stick insects with no cage, an arm from a manequin doll, a lingonberry, a taxidermy prawn and an anthrax letter. You become overly happy with all these presents and thank your lucky star for your joining effort. You are so happy that you become a little bit moved over your own work and cry and snot a little bit into the pot in the stew that you are cooking for dinner.
Sagittarius
You walk on a road and suddenly you see a strange tree with many fruits on it. Mmmm, fruit, you shout loudly to yourself and put six of them into your mouth immediately, chew a minimum of times and swallow quickly without peeling them, whilst you drool a little bit out of the left corner of your mouth. They are fuzzy and oval and flat and do not look like any other fruit or object for that case and it is not at all impossible that it's not even a fruit. Even if it is groing on a tree. But you couldn't care less. You just stuff it in your mouth and eat it gluttonlously. An ape comes down from the tree and look at you for a long time but you ignore it completely. Did you eat fruit now you, says the ape. Is that any of your business, you say, with a rude voice. No no, sorry like, says the ape. You go separate ways. Afterwards you get gangrene in your leg and have to cut it off by the groin and use a wooden leg or a plastic leg. This is what happens when we eat things we don't know what are, you never know what will happen. Hopefully you have learnt something from this. But you probably haven't.
Capricorn
Regardless of how many children you have or don't have, you now decide to adopt. You send inn all the necessary applications and get visits from the vogt and the reeve and everything is sorted and then when the doorbell rings and the child is lying there on your doorstep, you are very excited. Until you find out that an error has occured and that it is not a child that you have gotten, it is a sheep. Not a small sheep, a lamb, but an adult and flabby sheep with a little bit too much fat and wool. At first you become pissed off, because you have gone through a lot both mentally and physically and economically but then you look at the sheep through a mother's eyes and it bleats like an old sheep does and you melt completely. You step into the parental role with a dedication that would even scare a lion mama. You purchase wool shampoo and a sheep pen that it can sleep in plus bibs and pacifiers. It is a male sheep and it weighs 214 kgs and things are demanding, but still fun, you claim. So the story had a happy ending after all. Winkysmiley.
